Failure to thrive.

When my husband and I finally felt at ease because our two week old was gaining weight and was no longer “jaundiced” we were hit with the following words, “Don’t be alarmed but he may be a little slow. You should be prepared for him not to meet milestones at the same time as his peers, after all he was put down as failure to thrive.” Wait, what? 

First, if you haven’t read my breastfeeding story, go ahead and read it here …. I promise this post will make much more sense.

In short, Nick was born at 11:10 PM the night before he turned 37 weeks, on a Friday. Every time that he was checked by the doctors, including Sunday morning everything was perfect. We fought to allow him and I to go home instead of remaining in the hospital for a week due to him being “premature.” My hospital is deemed “baby friendly” and advocate for breastfeeding over formula. I was told that despite my milk not coming in by the time my son was born, the colostrum was enough to keep my son healthy for the first few days. It was not.

During Nick’s first check-up, after being discharged from the hospital, he had lost weight and was diagnosed with jaundice. We were in and out of the hospital almost every day for the first few weeks of my son’s life. And then when we had finally gotten his bilirubin levels to an acceptable measure and we were told that he was out of the risk of being hospitalized I was met with the “news” that my son was “slow.”

There I was, a new mom, scared shitless. What did this mean? I wasn’t mad about the possibility of my son being developmentally delayed, but about the delivery of the information. I was mad that it did not make sense, what was this “diagnoses” being based on? How could they tell and I couldn’t?

My husband, as always, tried to stay strong and told me not to worry. Blaming myself was easy. I had stupidly followed the nurse’s directions to continue nursing my son even though my milk wasn’t in yet. They told me that the colostrum was enough to keep him healthy for the first few days and I believed it.

A failure to thrive diagnoses does not mean that your child will be mentally delayed. It means that decelerated or arrested physical growth results due to inadequate nutrition. It has nothing to do with when your child will learn to talk, walk, etc. My son was diagnosed as “failure to thrive” because my hospital pushed “breast is best” down my throat and failed to offer other options for us, almost causing us to lose our son due to accidental starvation.  

The nurse made a baseless statement that my son had issues breastfeeding because he was “slow” and therefore I should expect him to be behind his peers (in almost everything). She should have known better. To this day I am still not sure how she came to that conclusion. I snapped out of it shortly after. I realized that my hospital was to blame for a lot of the complications that my son experienced as an infant. Each time we jumped a hurdle, so to speak, there was another statement from a nurse or a doctor blaming me or my son. It was never their fault.

Instead, I took this as a challenge. When my husband and I decided to have a baby I knew I had to be prepared for anything. But it was not until I held my son in my arms that I realized that whether he was diagnosed with an illness, developmental issues, etc, I had to always strive to provide him with the best resources to make him the best he could be. 

Three wonderful years have now passed. I can count the amount of times Nick has been sick on one hand, thus allowing us to stay clear of hospital visits apart from the routine check-ups. He has become an adventurous, rambunctious, smart little boy, coming in at 85-90 percentile for height and weight each time. He still does not know his ABC’s or his numbers but he can tell you the difference between dozens of construction vehicles, can explain to you about engines and how they work, and somehow learned what a pterodactyl is. He is bilingual and my husband thinks he knows his ABC’s but likes to frustrate us. At 35 lbs and 39.33″ he is in the upper 80th percentile for height and weight.

Every time that he learns something new I think back to that day and that nurse. I wish I could see her now and say, “Look at my son.” 

My son is a fighter. He is such a big boy now. Sometimes its hard to remember how weak and fragile he was when he was born. Nonetheless, I will always remember feeling helpless as I saw him lose his strength each day. I will always remember the day I saw him struggling to lift his head because he was out of energy. I know that this was God’s plan. Whether its as to show us that Nick is a fighter from the beginning or to remind me that I am a fighter as well. 

I know there are moms out there who have children who have been hospitalized and been through much worse than we did. Unfortunately there are moms out there who have lost their children. But in all of their stories I see myself, I see the mothers who fight until the end. I see mother who learn everything about their children’s diagnoses and become their voice. I see moms who just do not give up. 

Remember, we all have our own battles. So if you’re feeling defeated, if you feel like everything is against you … remember its not. 

I would love for you to share your stories with me so that we may empower each other.